


The Sixth Stage

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Family, Grief/Mourning, Referenced Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 19:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6251884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sixth stage, Leanne thought as she tilted her head up to the sun, certain now that her family was watching, has never been more blissful. Rollie Guthrie had told her about it once. Most people, the senior attending said, believed there were five stages of grief. However, there were six in his mind. “After you accept whatever has happened,” the solemn attending had stated in Leanne’s direction with a knowing look in his eyes, “you have to live again. And that is the sixth and final stage.” Ten years after her family's deaths, Leanne thinks about how she found a family again and a reason for living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sixth Stage

_The Sixth Stage_

Ten years ago, Leanne would have never imagined that she would be living. Her family that had died that night hadn’t been the only ones to lose their lives. Leanne had thought for a long time that she had died too.

            _“I should have died.”_

            She thought that her life had ended when her family had died on that terrible night. Leanne had been helpless to do anything that night, except lie in a hospital bed with broken bones and hope that the sounds of the ER that she knew so well would bring her family back to her. _Don’t take them away,_ she inwardly pleaded as she gritted her teeth in pain at the thought of her family lying motionless and bleeding with so many injuries lying on the ground. _Please, don’t let me be with one who has to take the loss. Please, whoever is listening._

But they had died. No matter how much they had tried and begged – many years later Leanne could still hear Neal plead with her dear little boy to live, grasping his tiny hand and being pulled away by a much older and grayer Rollie Guthrie when six minutes post-mortem had passed – to save them. Leanne often thought that she would not dream. She had hoped that she would not dream, for if she did, then the horrifying day she had no wish to remember would haunt her. Nightmares and emptiness became her only reality as the months passed beyond the death of her husband and her children. There were many times when Leanne wondered why she was still alive, why her heart will still uselessly beating when the reason why it beat was gone.

            Forever.

            The sound of the glass breaking as the other car hit them, hearing her son scream and seeing her husband’s blood coating the grass and her daughter eerily still and her eyes half-open haunted Leanne. There were times that she pleaded to fall asleep, for that was the only time when she felt whole – they simply weren’t a memory. Her son was still begging for a stuffed lion, and her husband was still teasing their daughter for crying during the _Lion King_. The barbs she and Jesse would trade back and forth would be reported back to her husband and they would laugh quietly as they lied in their bed, exchanges kisses and promises that would often lead to something else. She would tell her son and daughter that she had to go to work today, and that she would be able to spend more time with them soon. Leanne would tell her husband what both of their students had learned – he a high school math teacher and she the director of residency – and her eyebrows would raise when her husband would fake jealously and ask her what was so great about these Dr. Mike Leighton and Dr. Neal Hudson anyway.

            _“Should I be jealous?”_ She treasured the warm look in his green eyes. _“I hear the English can be particularly attractive and – ow!”_ The sight of his laughter warmed Leanne’s heart, and she remembered of how she promised him that she would show him how much he meant to her as soon as she was ready to use her vacation days.

            But the day never came. Instead, Leanne had called Jesse, sobbing as she held a knife to her throat as she pleaded and shouted at him to tell him why she had any reason to live.

            _“Calm down, my friend,”_ the Puerto Rican nurse of thirty years had whispered into the phone as gut-wrenching sobs tore from Leanne’s throat. _“You have much to live for even though you don’t see it now. They would want you to live, you know that.”_ A soft lullaby that she had heard Jesse hum to her children when they were very small echoed through the small device. _“You have me, Leanne. Me and –”_

 _“No,”_ Leanne choked. _“No! I just need you, Jesse. Just you.”_ A bark of ironic laughter came from her. _“Just you.”_

 _“I remember you telling me that when we first met to get the hell out of your way,”_ Jesse murmured with humor that, for once, was not lost to Leanne. The grieving ER doctor closed her eyes at the memory. She had been young, fresh out of med school. Before her husband. Before her children. Her hair had been the same dark brown, except short, and she had been very annoyed by some nurse that kept telling her what to do. Her first surprise after telling him off, that she had an M.D. for crying out loud and knew the metric system, was that the nurse was male. There weren’t many male nurses back in those days, and the young Leanne stared at the younger – and thinner – Jesse Sallander, staring at his nametag. _“We’re both the odd man out, senorita.”_ The clean-shaven male nurse had replied to the first year resident. _“Not too many male nurses or female doctors in the late twentieth century.”_ He held out his hand, and Leanne allowed herself a smirk at the sound of nurses’ sarcastic tone. _“Let’s be friends.”_

 _“I think I will pass,”_ Leanne had stated with a brief glance in the male nurses’ direction. _“I’ll stick with the residents,”_ she shouted over her shoulder.

            The male nurse only smirked lightly and shouted back, _“You won’t be seeing the last of me!”_

And now here she was, at the lowest point in her life calling the one person she had first thought she would never get allow with. That she would be able to live without out. It took a very long time to where Leanne didn’t dream about her family’s death, or feel the drowning aching feeling that she felt whenever she saw a smiling man that reminded her of her husband, a silent little girl that reminded her of her daughter, and a laughing boy carrying a stuffed lion that reminded her of her son. Three years later, the ache was still there. An aching, festering wound, but nowhere near the pain of wanting to die.

            _“You think you just have Jesse, but you’re wrong. You have me. You have all of us.”_

Leanne’s mind flashed to Neal. The student who had known her family and had also mourned their deaths as he too tried to save and failed the little children who had stated that he talked funny, and how her husband had teased that he was a little young to be chasing after his wife. She remembered of how she had told the then-new attending that it was no concern to him that she had come back too soon after the accident. Leanne had been angry, but more than that, she had been hurt. Neal had stated those words that she knew everyone was thinking but didn’t say, and it hut to know that no one had any faith in her that she was _fine_. Leanne barely registered the pain on Neal’s face before it disappeared, but she thought about the conversation she had with him over and over again as the years went by. How many times had she wanted to say that she was sorry but never did? It appeared to her, then, that Neal forgave easily. Too easily. He had mourned her family as well, had mourned her absence and the old Leanne Rorish who had died the day her family’s hearts had stopped beating. She had told him what she was going through was no business of his, and that whatever she thought of him, Leanne wasn’t her friend. _“I’m your superior, nothing else.”_ Neal had understood though what Leanne was trying to say one day after a rough shift. Two patients had died, and the two simply stood beside each other as they watched the rain fall. _He is a kind person,_ Leanne had thought. From the moment Neal Hudson had entered the ER with no place to go, she could see the gentleness in the boy. _Too kind to be a surgeon, I thought._ Neal had been right when he had told her she hadn’t taken enough time after the accident, and she had told him that when she thought she was ready to leave Angles.

            She didn’t truly know how she truly was without the ghosts of her family and the place that meant so much to her. It was here that she met Jesse, and her mentors that had long since passed. It was in Angles that she had first met her husband, a foolish young college boy who had gotten a nasty gash on his forehead. _“You must be pretty smart to be surrounded by this chaos all the time. My name’s Matthew Rorish. Yours?”_ He had proposed to her in front of the entire hospital staff, shortly after a shift. Leanne remembered of how the entire ER had cheered when Leanne had said yes, and Jesse had comically pretended to cry. Angles had been where their children had been born. And it had been the place where she met a young man who was as close to a son as she could get.

            Leanne had been the director of the ER for nine years. She had seen many people, nurses, doctors, and residents, come and go. But the ones that remained in her mind were five specific faces.

            Malaya Pineda, who had stayed at Angels despite the memories of Carla and the attack that had almost killed her when she had been a first year resident. She reminded Leanne of her former self, kind but able to bark out orders and keep calm in the ER even in the most rigorous Code Black. It had been Leanne that Malaya first told that she had found Phillip, Carla’s baby, and had told the older doctor through her tears that she hoped to adopt him someday. When the adoption came through, Leanne remembered with a fond smile of how Malaya truly glowed and smiled as she held the hand and later swung around her adopted son. Never once having the shadow in her eyes as she did when she thought of Carla.

            There was Mario Savetti, who Leanne thought would fail but did not. He became a capable doctor, and no longer felt that he didn’t belong. Leanne made certain that the dark-haired resident understood that he wasn’t alone when a face from his past came to Angles one day and started taunting the young man. Although she could feel the anger from the resident increase, it was Leanne who spoke lowly to patient stained fingers and decaying teeth. _“If you ever speak to my resident like that again, I will rip your tongue out.”_ She had never forgotten the stunned looks on Mario’s and Angus’ faces, and turned to find Jesse looking at her with a knowing expression. _I’ve gotten attached,_ Leanne had thought as she watched Mario and Angus walk outside of the ER together, laughing and talking quietly, their gazes never leaving each other. Normally such a thought would cause her to put walls up, and to try to pull back whatever feelings she had. But she wasn’t afraid. Neither was Mario. It was only a week ago that the now-attending had caught her in the hallway and confessed to her that he never thought he would ever have a family. _“But now I do,”_ Mario had whispered. His eyes wandered over to Angus and Malaya who were discussing treatment for a patient as they carried the red binders in their hands. A smile appeared in his eyes. _“Especially Angus. One time, he called us kindred spirits.”_ Mario shrugged, but Leanne could see a pensive look in his expression. _“He said as kind of a joke, but…now I think we truly are that.”_

Angus had become the doctor that Leanne inwardly knew that he would become. His skills in the ER now rivaled his older brother’s, and Leanne had to smile when she remembered of how surprised Angus looked when the new first year residents called him Dr. Leighton – not as a student, as what she and the other senior doctors had done, but as a teacher. Leanne had overheard Mario teasing Angus over of how the residents never came to him because Angus was so kind and welcoming to them when they first arrived. _“You’re like a cookie dough of bright sunshine.”_ Leanne too could never forget of how Mario had responded when Angus had asked him why he was a cookie dough in the equation. _“Because you’re sweet, Angus.”_ Although almost every year in the past five years one resident asked if Angus and Mario were dating, the answer was that those two shared a deep bond. Their growth and doctors and people were indebted to the person they trusted the most. _“He’s like a brother to me,”_ Angus had told Leanne one day after the attending had broken down and Mario had to chase after him. _“He didn’t ask me why I was crying. He just…hugged me and let me cry.”_ A soulful look appeared in those blue eyes as Angus glanced towards Mario. _“He’s my best friend, and I don’t know what I would do without him.”_

And Christa… Although ten years had passed since Leanne had met the younger doctor, she had never forgotten the bond of their shared pain. The blond resident had worn her heart on her sleeve, cared too much about the patients she treated, and Leanne had told her multiple times that it wasn’t their job to follow their patients home. But Leanne believed now that Christa’s way of doing things, of treating patients, was of why she was such a good doctor. It was one of the reasons why after a year of having his heart broken, Neal had fallen in love with her. Leanne smiled at the memory of their love story. It had taken Neal _months_ to acknowledge what he felt for the blond resident, Leanne remembered of how the attending had given the HR form in such an un-British fashion, and inwardly thought that the man she considered as her son to be in far too deep. She felt Neal’s and Christa’s pain after they broke up even though none of them would actually put into words. She had talked with Christa one time after she could see the resident trying to hold it together after a harrowing day in the ER and seeing Neal interact quietly with Grace. _“Will you ever accept the fact that you love him, Christa?”_ Christa had started sharply to Leanne that she was no second choice, but Leanne wouldn’t let her finish the lie that the older doctor knew was hurting _“I see the way you look at him, Christa. I see of how he looks at you. You and I both know that there is only a limited time here. So don’t waste it pitying yourself, and thinking of lies that are the farthest from the truth.”_

Leanne had not worn a dress at the wedding. She was more than comfortable wearing a dark blue dress suit, and she had ignored the teasing from Jesse that she truly was a daddy now from of how she was wearing a man’s costume and had been the one to _“give our girl away.”_ Leanne could feel Neal’s and Christa’s happiness and bliss as bright as a beacon, and she didn’t cry when she saw Neal kiss Christa on the forehead, a gesture her husband had done to her multiple times. For once, she smiled instead of cried at the sight of two people deeply in love. Now Christa and Neal each shone in their respective fields. Although Neal was still attached to the ER, he was now the chief surgeon…and all the surgical residents fought like children to be taught by him. Christa was a high respected and skilled ER doctor, knowing surgery more than she should have if she wasn’t married to a surgical attending. Although Malaya was good at what she did, most of the female residents admired Christa the most for her ability to truly connect with patients and make them feel safe. The resident who once couldn’t do a procedure on a baby boy was now able to do so much.

            And then…

            “Aunt Leanne, why are you staring at the sky?”

            Leanne looked back to find the holder of her heart standing beside the young tree, a curious expression on her face as she stared at her godmother.

            _Godmother. I never thought…_ Leanne hadn’t been ashamed when she had cried when Evangeline Hudson was born. She had been the one to deliver the baby, and had smiled so widely at the sound of the baby’s first cry. It was Christa who had asked for Leanne to be Evangeline’s godmother, and as the older doctor stared at the dark curly-haired bundle in her arms, Leanne couldn’t say no.

            “I was thinking,” Leanne stated to the small girl. The four-year old’s expression blanked, and the older doctor almost laughed, as Evangeline had the exact same expression as her father when he was very confused. “I was thinking about my family,” Leanne said with a glance back at the three graves. Fresh flowers had been placed near the headstones.

            “You mean the one that died?” Evangeline asked in a small whisper with her dark brown eyes widened as she stared at the three graves. Leanne raised an eyebrow. _How does she…?_

“Mommy and Daddy said that you used to be sad all the time,” the youngest Hudson continued as she remained unware of the slight frown on her godmother’s face. “I see my big brother too in this kind of place. They told me you have family again, so you don’t have to cry anymore.” Leanne had heard of how Christa and Neal had started taking Evangeline to see Christa’s son, in an attempt for their daughter to understand a bit about the older brother she had never met. The little girl who looked so much like her father but had her mother’s temperament had embraced her mother after her first time seeing the grave of a boy named Henry Lorenson. _“You don’t have to be sad, Mommy. You said big brother is watching over us, right?”_ Neal had told Leanne that Christa hadn’t cried until they had arrived home when Evangeline was asleep, whispering that she was so grateful that she had such a kind and understanding child. The child that had captured Leanne’s heart continued to stare at the dark-haired doctor, tilting her head when Leanne didn’t respond for a moment.

            Suddenly Leanne picked up the small four-year old and held her close. Evangeline squeaked, but Leanne allowed herself to hold onto the child for a little longer. Christa had stated that Evangeline reminded her of Henry a bit. _“She shares his kindness, and I…never thought I would experience that again.”_ Leanne thought too of how the youngest Hudson reminded her of her two children.

            “I love you, you know that right?” Leanne whispered into the child’s ear.

            “Mmm-hmm,” the small child whispered as her tiny hands started to play with Leanne’s hair.

            Leanne chuckled at the child’s antics.

            “You are very important to me, Evangeline Hudson,” Leanne stated to the little girl in her arms. Her dark brown eyes, so much like her father’s, stared into Leanne’s own with innocence, not understanding the meaning behind Leanne’s words. “I have family now, and that includes a little girl who is about to get ice cream.”

            “Ice cream?” Evangeline started to try to wriggle out of Leanne’s grip, her face beaming with excitement. “Are we really going to get ice cream?”

            Leanne let the child go, let her run and see the happy expression on the child’s face. At another time, there were two children who reacted the same. Leanne smiled, remembering her children’s voices as she had laughed and told them to _wait just a moment, your father has to come to,_ as she held both of their hands as they walked on the street. Leanne looked back at the graves.

            Never did she think that she would live again.

            She didn’t think she would find a family again.

            Attend a wedding as a member of that family and be the bride’s maid.

            And be the godmother of their child.

            _The sixth stage,_ Leanne thought as she tilted her head up to the sun, certain now that her family was watching, _has never been more blissful._ Rollie Guthrie had told her about it once. Most people, the senior attending said, believed there were five stages of grief. However, there were six in his mind. _“After you accept whatever has happened,”_ the solemn attending had stated in Leanne’s direction with a knowing look in his eyes, _“you have to live again. And that is the sixth and final stage.”_

“Aunt Leanne!” The dark-haired doctor turned to find Evangeline waiting for her by the gate of the cemetery. “Can we bring some ice cream for your family too?”

            There were no tears in Leanne’s eyes.

            “Yes,” Leanne stated as she smiled at the child who had a bigger heart than she was. “We can.”

            It felt so good to feel a child’s hand around her own again.


End file.
